As a kid my answer to what you want to be when you grow up ranged from IAS officer to the STD PCO owner (Gen Z might not know what this is so here you go STD PCO was a place where you could go and make local or interstate calls and if there was ISD available you could make a call to another country, an expensive affair.)

Anyway, as we grow up we learn a lot of things and most of us end up becoming something we never really dreamed of. But that’s all about profession. See, the thing is we are not taught to see ourselves as a ‘person’ when we grow up but as a ‘profession’. That is why most of us don’t say that when I grow up I want to be happy or when I grow up I want to be carefree.

Also, growing up most of us did not even have such role models. Most. We were almost never surrounded by carefree woman who were calm, relaxed, practiced slow mornings and things like that. (If you were, you were lucky and I am happy for you.)

The women around me were always busy doing things that no one else did. Cooking, cleaning, working, worrying about every single thing. And I agree that probably that they did not ask for it but they also did not think that they could say no to it.

I also remember that once one of my distant cousin told that she won’t cook and clean during her matchmaking process and people called her arrogant. Today I know that she was right and had all the rights to ask for it. But at that time I only heard people badmouthing her for this and thought maybe it was wrong to ask for something like that.

Now, fastforward to 2005 I was at a café with my the then boyfriend and a woman entered with a few bags and sat on the biggest and comfiest sofa. I always avoided to sit there because I thought it only made sense to sit there if there were 3 people. No one had ever stopped me, I had just assumed that. (That IS overthinking.) So yes, she sat there and ordered her coffee and then took out and orange from her bag. I was stunned. Why? Because that’s outside food which is generally not allowed. (Again, there was no such sign and no one had ever said that to me.) While she was enjoying her fruit my friend said to me that this is how he wanted me to be, calm and relaxed and enjoying my life. I was hurt by the statement. I thought how dare you. Is it wrong to think things through or is it wrong to do things for others…so many thoughts crossed my mind but in that moment I didn’t exactly say all that.

After years of unlearning (I am STILL unlearning) I have reached to a point where I put myself first and I don’t feel guilty about it. I have understood that we don’t need to earn our rest. I have learned that we rest so that we don’t get tired and not when we get tired. My worth is not associated with my profession, my productivity or on the sacrifices I make. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of compassion. I am worthy.

For the rest of my life I want to be that carefree and relaxed woman. By this I don’t mean that I won’t put myself in situations where I need to work hard to succeed. It also doesn’t mean that I would stop caring about others around me. It simply means that I would become the person who sits down to drink a glass of water, sits and reads for herself or watches netflix and does nothing else on a rainy friday night.

That’s the goal.

I understand that not hustling is a luxury but slowing down is also a choice. What we need to strive for is a balance.

What do you want to be when you grow up?